I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
