So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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