My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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