Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
