In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
