I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
