she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
