Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
