Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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