eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
