I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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