i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize