Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
