Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
