Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
