we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
