Got a toothbrush?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
