you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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