I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
