I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
