Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
