she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
