So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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