I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
