In the future we'll all be gay
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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