I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
