I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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