she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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