i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
