My first STD was from a foam party
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize