If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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