dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
