Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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