I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
