just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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