Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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