I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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