My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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