I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
