Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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