Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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