The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
