we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
