I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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