I just pynch a tree in the face
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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