my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
