I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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