She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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