Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
