I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
