why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Success! We fucked roommates!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
