Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
