he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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