i think my tv is drunk
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
