just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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