I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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