I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
