Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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